I need to learn to love my own smile

I’m not sure what was being said when this picture was taken. Or who said it. It was taken a couple years ago during an awards luncheon where I was honored to receive an award for managing conflict. We were all asked to share briefly in front of the attendees when we received our awards. I don’t mind public speaking – I actually enjoy it. But I’ve never much enjoyed seeing pictures of myself.

Because I dislike my own smile.

I always have. I’m not exactly sure why.

Perhaps it’s vanity.

I don’t like my teeth … or how “gummy” my smile is. And there are few things I detest more than posing and smiling for a picture – that forced, fake smile. Seeing pictures of myself smiling is only slightly better than hearing recordings of my own voice. Scratch that – I think it’s worse.

Or, perhaps it’s something deeper.

Often I’ve pursued discipline while denying myself pleasure. I think I’ve always been inclined to deny myself pleasure, or to feel guilty when I’ve allowed myself to experience it. I haven’t sorted it all out, but I’m pretty sure it’s tied to my religious upbringing – my roots in Evangelicalism and its remnants of Puritanism. I’m getting better at it, but it’s a process. It’s partly why I refer to myself as a Recovering Evangelical.

So when I first saw this picture, I cringed a little. And while it’s a great picture, I’d refused to share it. Why?

Because I dislike my own smile.

Yet, I love the smiles of others. And I love making others smile and laugh.

That’s what I love about this picture. The pure emotion – nothing forced or fake. Nothing posed. Smiles and laughter.

I’m posting this picture for me.

To remind myself, as we head into this new year, that joy and happiness are important and valuable. That discipline is good, but pleasure is too. That we all need to smile and laugh more, that we need to appreciate the smiles and laughter of others more, that we need to bring out the smiles and laughter in others more. That I need to appreciate each moment and treasure the people who make me smile and laugh.

And, that I need to learn to love my own smile.